Newsquest (Bradford) Ltd
Novenber 16, 2000
As regular readers will be aware, it is normal policy not to publish letters without a name and address attached. However, on receiving these two, supposedly written by the cow that recently escaped from Ilkley's abbatoir, we have made an exception!
SIR, - After recently reading in your local newspaper, the Ilkley Gazette of November 2, regarding the cow making a break for freedom from the local abattoir on Little Lane in Ilkley.
There appear to be numerous explanations as to where the unfortunate bovine fugitive finally settled, some say it called at the Ilkley council offices environmental health agencies to complain about the abattoir.
Others say that the beast of burden called at the numerous estate agents in Ilkley to enquire of the availability of one to two-bedroom cowsheds with en-suite washing facilities to be told that there was no affordable housing in Ilkley at the moment.
Still others say (taking this particular explanation with a pinch of salt) that the beleaguered beast somehow or other made it through the weather torrent on to Ilkley Moor to make pilgrimage to the God/mother worship of the Cow and Calf rock, only to be abducted by aliens, thus sparking much local interest in UFO sightings on Ilkley moor.
But the real explanation for the houdinistic heifer is this, myself and my wife were shopping in Ilkley trying to differentiate the goods prices of the real shops and the charity shops.
We decided to visit the famous Bettys Café on The Grove, opulent, stylish with a touch of panache.
The beast casually walked in and sat in the non-smoking section, ordered Lapsang Souchong with the finest Yorkshire scone and absolutely flabbergasted the awe-struck crowd by drinking his tea without using the cup handle!
Mr Bullock.
SIR, - Suddenly, I spotted an escape route amongst the carnage I could see and hear before me. Cows were skittish and fretful - their hooves slipping on the concrete and their eyes gaping wildly, exposing the whites. Cows were being pushed and prodded into the building and I decided there in that dreadful place that this was not how I wanted to die.
There it was! A gap between the men wrestling with another cow, bellowing it's fear to unhearing ears. I shot out like a cork from a bottle, my feet flying in all directions on the slippery surface. Miraculously, the gates had been left open and I bolted out free to gallop headlong through the streets of Ilkley.
Everywhere people were pointing towards me, some with startled expressions, some were even laughing which hurt me anew - they didn't understand who I was or know anything about that terrible place where cows entered and failed to reappear to chew their cud.
On and on I ran until my sides heaved painfully with exertion and my legs felt weak and wobbly. I'm alone and frightened but at least for now I'm safe and I'm sure all the people who saw my terror will help me and all the others in that place because I once overheard a mother tell her child that she should always be kind to God's creatures (whoever he is).
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
For more information please visit http://www.thisisbradford.co.uk
Copyright © 2000 Newsquest Media Group - A Gannett Company
